Perception

A long, vicious storm tore through a vast area of eastern Wyoming. Taking shelter from the storm in a small cabin, Ludwig Asceares loaded his rifle. His cabin was located in a private hunting ground in the middle of the Bonareas, which was a large forest somewhere near Yellowstone. This rather valuable piece of land was renown not for its vast selection of animals or breathtaking scenery, rather its past with feuding owners. The Asceares family had only lived on this select piece of land for a few generations, because they competed for it with their neighbor, the Hanalins, and won. Unsurprisingly, the Hanalins were not too happy about it. Every living member of the Hanalin lineage was set on taking the land back.
Ludwig was going to hunt tonight, hence loading his rifle. However, he was not going out for the usual deer or bear, but something much more human. Kalain Hanalin, his mortal enemy who he could only see dead. Before heading out with his men which where ten or eleven soldiers that would help defend him; he stopped in the washroom of his cabin to freshen up. Much to his surprise, an injured mouse lay struggling in his washbowl. Ludwig guffawed, “what a poor, injured creature,” he said as he picked the helpless animal up by its tail, “stupid enough to get caught in such a bowl?” Feeling like a predator about to strike its prey, he flung the mouse across the room until it collided with the wall, bones snapping with a satisfying crack.
Stepping out into the dark forest, he ordered his men to stay 10 minutes behind so that he could face Kalain alone if need be. Holding his rifle tight, should any creature in the forest wish to attack him on this stormy night, he prepared to fire. It wasn’t long until he was facing Kalain. Kalain had a rifle of his own.

in!,” Ludwig demanded furiously, I will end this tonight, game-snatcher! Allow me to sate my ennui for hunting with your life…”

“Ludwig, forest-stealer, my family has had its roots here for far longer than you! I will never back down!”
No bullets were fired. It could be said that it was against a man’s heath and honor to simply kill another man in cold blood. Ludwig carefully rose his rifle in aim, but was cut off when the raging storm sent a large branch hurling by, causing both of them to roll off of the nearby cliff and land in a mammoth depression. Both were unconscious for hours until they slowly began to stir.

“Ludwig, you didn’t die? ****,” mused Kalain as he groaned in pain.

“No, and I see you haven’t either.” Ludwig looked down at his legs to see them gnarled and broken. Kalain’s were no better. The walls of the depression were not climbable in such an ill position.

“Wish you hadn’t come out here tonight, Ludwig?”

“Nor do you, I assume. My men were ordered to stay ten minutes behind me, when they arrive, I will order them to shoot you.”

“I don’t see your men, Ludwig, and it has been well over ten minutes. Perhaps mine will arrive and I could order them to kill you.
The silence that followed was palpable. Hour after hour and no one came near the depression besides a few birds or other small forest animals.

“Kalain,” Ludwig began, “perhaps we can be on better terms before we die. I would hate to lose my life in such a harsh condition with the only other around.”

“You are my enemy. I doubt we could ever be friends.”

“Not friends. Acquaintances.”
Another long pause followed.

“Perhaps,” Kalain ventured. “if we both shout at the same time somebody could find us and neither would have to perish?”

“I shall try it, Kalain.”
Shout after shout, both men desperately yelled and screamed in hope some passerby would hear. It seemed that they were successful.

“I see somebody!” Kalain yelled excitedly, “It looks like... three or four men, they might be mine!”

“They must be. I had ten with me.”

“They’re getting closer! And they’re coming very fast!”

“Who are they? Are they yours?”

Kalain paused.

“Kalain, are they your soldiers?”

Kalain began to laugh hysterically, “No, they aren’t.”

“Who are they?”










“Mountain lions.”

pretty good story. i was not expecting that ending but its good.

though you seem to skip over minor details close to the end of the story. i know when i write i'm always using like or as, and anything that appeals to the senses if it is not first person. i'm bad about epic details. XD can't wait to see if you have anymore writing to go with this one or another.

A very good story overall, but, oh lawd, the use of "yelled", "mused", and "ventured"... XD

A very handy tip: Always use "said". New writers often use the other tags because they assume that their readers are getting bored. Not true, give us more credit than that, we have a slightly longer attention span. Only use others when it is needed, and even then, use them rarely. Otherwise you are basically screaming that you don't write often, and it reads awkwardly.

The conversations themselves seemed to have some grammar issues. This one is particular.

Ludwig guffawed, “what a poor, injured creature,” he said as he picked the helpless animal up by its tail, “stupid enough to get caught in such a bowl?”

I don't even know what to make of this, to be honest. Here, I tried fixing it a little, so you can see what I mean.

Ludwig guffawed. “What poor, injured creature-” he said as he picked the helpless animal up by its tail. “- is stupid enough to get caught in such a bowl?”

(Of course, bits of my grammar might be off as well, but here are some general rules)

Never use more than one tag for a single conversation line. (Ludwig guffawed, “what a poor, injured creature,” he said)
Never forget capitals!
No more than two conversation lines per paragraph.


Also, here are some examples I wrote up for you:

Ludwig said, "Blah."
"Blah," said Ludwig.
"Blah!" said Ludwig. (Note: when the line ends in a period, and the speaker comes after the conversation line, replace the period with a comma. If it is a question mark, exclamation point, etc, leave it, as you can see by these two examples.)
"Blah!" Ludwig shook his head.
Ludwig shook his head. "Blah!"

Also, you seemed to be running out of things to write near the end, and you were leaning on conversation like a crutch. Don't worry, I do this all the time, it's a very easy mistake to make. :3

Overall, though, the story was pretty neat, even if the lines were fairly stiff. I'd definitely like to see more of this story. c:

Keep at it!

I'd like to make a note that I wrote this two years ago. Decided to post here because I was bored.

c:

Haha, still, since you hadn't cleaned it up, I figured I might as well post. c: I've no doubt that you've gotten better.